What They Never Knew
by DowntonIsMyLife
Summary: Elsie's final letter, detailing those things in her life she never told anyone. Spoilers for series 3.
1. My Story

**I wrote this but held back from uploading it till I finished my other stories. But I can't help it. This is quite an angsty story but I'm hoping there will be some less angsty bits in it.**

_I have been working here for eighteen years now, Downton has become my home, my sanctum everything my life depended on, I never thought I'd leave it.  
If I did leave it, I never thought it would be like this, I always imagined I might have married, I had the offer from Joe but I had my fair share of admirers in my youth, I could have married. I would have loved a few children, a little girl mirroring my image or a little boy to bring a smile to my face, I could have had that life, I simply chose not to.  
Or maybe I would retire and spend my days relaxing in a small cottage, visiting Beryl and Charles, walking through the village, tending to a garden and simply putting my feet up._

But never, did I think I would leave in this manner, it's always been possible but it never occurred to me.

_I, Elsie Hughes, have cancer._

_I am not afraid to say it now, at first the mere mention brought tears to my eyes but now, my perspective has changed, I do not fear death, I do not dwell on regrets – I've lived my life, it hasn't been too bad, it's simply time for it to end._

_This letter has no recipient, I simply write it to convey all those things I still can't say to others, even Beryl, my new found friend or Charles, my ever present confidant. I love them bother dearly but some things, I keep private.  
They are not secrets as such, shameful things of my past or the way I feel that I shouldn't say. They are simply things that happened, sad, happy, regretful, wonderful – just things I never told. I simply chose not to say these things, everything that has happened I have lived with and still can. But sometimes you just need to tell someone, simply because if you don't you'll find yourself screaming it out to the world. I suppose that's the problem with building such high walls around myself, I've never been able to open up – it's just not me._

_In a way, at the end, I'll be able to show the Elsie, only I ever knew. The Elsie that had a life but never lived._

**What do you think? Please please review, I always appreciate your reviews, so very much!**


	2. Baby Brother

Baby Brother

I only ever told Lady Grantham of my brother, I never needed to tell others of him, it simply was a way to comfort her when she needed me, to help her to see that I understood the pain she was feeling at the loss of her child. Often I say you can't miss what you never had but I miss him often, since my sister died I've longed to have a sibling to converse with, and I've always wondered what he'd be like.

I will never forget having to deliver my little brother. I was only a child, naïve and shy, certainly not knowledgeable in the art of birth. I was alone in helping my mother, she wasn't strong enough to tell me everything I had to do, it was guesswork. I told Eleanor to look out for the doctor while I helped mama.

But he arrived too quickly.

She was screaming, shouting that she couldn't continue, I did the only thing I could think of, encouraged her, comforted her – words with no meaning, I just wanted her pain to stop. I was a few minutes but felt so much longer, I saw the baby crown and with one final scream I was holding my brother in my hands.  
He was silent, cold and lifeless, his tiny head fitted in my palm, his face pale beneath all the blood. It was a traumatizing sight, the child was just so small, so helpless, surrounded by blood – why did this have to happen to him.

My mother called to me, wanting to hold her boy, how could I tell her? The hopeful look in her eyes, longing to see her new son. I told her he wasn't breathing and watched the colour and excitement drain from her face – the tears fell, many many tears.  
I cut the cord, cleaned and wrapped him in a blanket, placing a soft kiss on his head before placing him to one side and helping my mother. She stayed silent staring straight ahead, the same way Lady Grantham did some 26 years later.

The doctor arrived and I was ushered out of the room, I did the only thing that seemed appealing, I poured cool water into the basin and immersed my head in it. The cold water engulfing my face and hair was comforting. I was able to lose myself in the water, forget what had happened, forget the blame I felt, forget everything.

Since then the thought of birth has always made me terrified, if not for the pain then for the child. And since then, losing myself in water is the way I can forget everything painful.

**Please review, I hope it's not too painful but I'd really appreciate your feedback.**


	3. Alone Too Soon

Alone too soon

My mother died not too long after that, the devastation caused her too much pain and she passed away silently in the night – that was when things went wrong.

Eleanor was pretty and popular, She would spend her time in the village, with the boys mostly, flirting, laughing, having fun, everything I forgot how to do we lost our mother – I became mum.  
I cooked, cleaned, took care of everything while Eleanor spent her time with others and my father spent more time on the farm. All of us trying to escape our grief and unlike me, they succeeded.

Eleanor left when she turned twenty, she married the post mistresses son and they were soon living in a little cottage in the village with a 'wee one' one the way. I was left with my father.

I was foolish not to notice what was happening, he wasn't spending more time at the farm but at the pub. Our money was slowly decreasing as was his patience. He would shout often if there was something wrong with dinner or if the house wasn't clean enough and that was just when he was sober. It got a lot worse at night.

He would beat me, sometimes for no reason, simply that he needed to take his anger out on someone and I was there. I never put up a fight, never tried to defend myself – it would have only gotten worse.  
The marks he left were a painful reminder that I had to do as I was told, that if I did something wrong I would be punished for it. There were bruises around my wrists, scars on my cheek and endless marks all over my body. He never apologised for what he did, I don't think he even knew at the time, he would pass out every night and I would put him into bed but never once did he wake up and ask for my forgiveness, he merely demanded his breakfast before he left.

It was those precious few hours when he was away that I took it upon myself to find a job, then I found one, a housemaid in a nice house nearby, I sent them a letter and they seemed eager to have me, anything to get away from my farm.

He found me packing, I held my breath, awaiting what would inevitably happen, but instead he dropped to his knees and begged me not to go. He may have been drunk but there was vague truth in his eyes. But I couldn't. I took my bag and walked towards the door, he shouted a few insults, some offensive remarks that would have hurt me had I been listening but I didn't I just kept walking, head up, determined look on my face – ready for a world of work where everything could change.

**Please review I would love to know your feedback.**

**xXx**


	4. First Job

First Job

I was twenty four when I finally left my home, not that I would consider it that, and had my first position at the Dower house in the next town. It was a lovely house, surrounded by beautiful gardens and known for being one of the most attractive houses in Scotland.

It had few staff, the house was no longer the home of children so the mistress did not need many servants. It was run by a married butler and housekeeper and was the home to a cook, ladies maid and a few housemaids and footman.

It had a friendly atmosphere when I arrived, I was greeted warmly by the housekeeper, an older woman with a thin face and strong brogue accent but none the less welcoming. She instructed me my duties and told me I could begin the following day after I'd settled in.  
The other servants were easy to get along with and I found myself content in the house, the marks were still there but they faded with each day. And with each new smile I felt my heart slowly piece itself back together.

I shared a room with fellow housemaid Anne, she was a bright girl no more than twenty with sparkling green eyes and red hair, she would tell me all the gossip that went about the house, all the secrets of the staff and family. She became a close friend who would tell me all sorts, her past, her hopes, her dreams but when she asked of mine I would simply blow out the candle and confess to being tired.

What were my dreams?  
Did I want to marry like Eleanor? Face a life so similar to that of my mother? Possibly no better and possibly worse?  
No I couldn't have ever _wanted _that, I wanted this – to feel safe and secure, with endless yet rewarding work to distract me, people to spend time with and finally, a life.

At least that's what I thought. I'd been there no more than three years when the worst happened. We were all eating luncheon when we received a telegram from the Ladies Maid, while the mistress had visited a friend in Edinburgh she had died unexpectedly, the house would have to be sold and therefore the staff were left jobless.

We didn't have much warning, we were simply told to pack our belongings and leave. I never knew what happened to the rest of them but I remember looking back at the house before I left, another home I'd have to leave. I turned to find a pair of frightened green eyes looking back at me. Anne asked if I would take her with me, she was orphaned and had nowhere to go so I promised I'd take care of her.

_I forgot I'd already written this chapter which was a nice surprise :) Please let me know what you think._

_xXx_


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